Deadpool Gets A Job
by Novel Books
Summary: This one's short just because Riley A. Chester's just lazy. Also, to understand the full context of this story, you're going to have to suffer through the S.H.I.E.L.D. Chronicles trilogy. I know, right? It's sad. At least this story is happy! - DP xoxo
1. Prelude

Deadpool sat in his comfy chair by the fire. He was in his mansion, which he could afford because he was rich.

He was intensely reading a story, and was just finished reading the final pages.

"Are you kidding me? Who wrote this crap?" Deadpool tossed the book into the flames. Then, looking up, he saw you.

"Oh, hi there. The name's Deadpool, but he wrote that down earlier. Didn't see ya there." He sighed. "Don't get me wrong. S.H.I.E.L.D. Chronicles 3 was an okay ending to a horrible trilogy. It's like the best episode of Sesame Street. It wasn't worth the wait."

"I mean, look; it was sappy, so you have that issue. But what got me was the humor. It wasn't even funny! It was like I was reading something by someone who hasn't even consumed a single Deadpool-branded property. The utter gall.

Well, kudos to Alexa Ann Douglas for at least recognizing that I was too awesome to exclude from the TSU. This is the part where I'd curtsy, but I'm heterosexual, so I guess straight white male privilege strikes again. At least it was a little enjoyable, unlike Dark & Brooding Hacker Man. That was just boring.

Anyways, I figured that you deserve something better than a Deadpool cameo. You deserve full Deadpool, unfiltered and unchained. The wild, pure Deadpool you guys really want. Let me tell you the story of what really happened after I told Goodie Two Shoes I'd be better."

P.S. "That's not actually unchained, is it? No? Whatever, let's roll with it. A keyboard with a backspace button isn't in our budget."

He picked up a chalice and lifted it to his lips. The drink dribbled down his mask, falling on his chest and lap. "Ah. Don't worry. This is ale is very ginger." He put the cup down. "I didn't get to enjoy any of that." He sighed.


	2. Chapter 1

Deadpool walked into the Triskelion, and warmly greeted the familiar faces he recognized.

"Hi Melinda! Love the Mulan look. Hi security guard! Stop staring at me." Something small brushed his knee. He glanced down. A cute toddler stared at him with big brown eyes. "Oh, hey, little one! We're connected. Here's a lollipop." He gave him a red lollipop, then glanced up at you. "You might be wondering, why the red candy? That's so you can't see the blood of your dying taste buds."

Deadpool went up to the elevator and pressed the up button. A couple suits and an agent walked there as well.

"You goin' up?" Deadpool asked. None of them said anything. "The name's Pool. Dead Pool."

He offered his hand to shake.

The agent cocked his pistol.

Deadpool cracked his neck. "I need to work on my approval rating." He mused.

The elevator door opened, so they went inside. Plenty of people were already in the elevator, so they had to make room for the new arrivals. As Deadpool waltzed in, he accidentally bumped into a woman holding coffee, tipping the steaming drink all over him.

"Ah!" He hissed, grasping his wet right arm.

"I'm so sorry." The woman apologized. "Are you gonna be alright?"

"I'll be fine." Deadpool grimaced from the pain, but he was wearing his mask, so she didn't know that. "I've survived way worse. You're gonna be in worse shape because now you're outta caffeine."

"What floor are you going to?" She asked.

"13."

The elevator stopped, and a couple more suits walked in.

Deadpool slowly scanned the room. People were either clenching their weapons, looking at him out of the corners of their eyes, staring at him, or alternating between all these things. He'd seen this kind of thing before. It could only mean one thing.

Deadpool slowly nodded. "Alrighty, dudes!" Everyone stared at him. "I mean, dudettes, too. As well as androgynous zes with gender disphoria. Man, I am going to have to do better with gender-neutral pronouns, especially if I go to Europe."

The akward silence was deafening.

"What I was going to say was, before we get started, does anybody wanna get out?"

Everyone started glancing at each other, confused. Some were gesturing towards him or slowly edging away.

"Sorry, my bad." Deadpool waved it off. "Wrong moment."

The elevator stopped and the door opened. Deadpool noticed that they were on his floor. He had no problem getting out. He walked down the hall and took a left. He knocked on the door labelled 'Director, Nick Fury.' A suit opened the door.

"Director Fury, Agent Wade Wilson is here."

Nick Fury was at his desk, facing the window with his back turned. "You're late."

"See, this is what happens when I'm not allowed to kill people."

Fury whipped around and stood up. "Sit down, Agent." Deadpool sat down. "Cap said you wanted to change. What I hear from your actions against Doctor Doom and Norman Osborne confirms that. But if you really want to become a force for good, and join S.H.I.E.L.D., you're going to have to stop your warlord mentality."

"Come now." Deadpool scoffed. "You know me. I'm harmless! I wouldn't hurt a fly unless it bit me first."

"You killed three of my agents last week because they were staring at you."

"Oh, and that somehow makes me worse than Black Widow?"

"Just stop it!" Fury shouted. "You are going to have to figure out what you want to do with your life. If working with S.H.I.E.L.D. fits inside that agenda, that's fine. But right now, you're a loose cannon. I need to know that when I put you in the line of fire and you're faced with a difficult choice between good and evil, that you'll make the right decision."

"You can trust me, Dad."

Fury sighed. "I'm going to give you a chance, Wade, but you can't kill any more of my men."

"So you're saying that I can kill your women?"

"Of course not."

"I kid, I kid. But you're still gonna pay me, right?"

"Of course."

"Good. I like money. Now, I assume that there's something you want in return."

"There is. Our agents discovered that you duplicated a chip in your possession that had the contents of the entire S.H.I.E.L.D. database at the time. If you return every copy of that chip, and I mean every, we might hire you permanently."

"So, that's it? I get a guaranteed job if I give you back something I stole from you? I'm sold. Count me in." Deadpool stood up.

"And Wade," Fury said. "S.H.I.E.L.D. Sees you as talented, valuable and possibly the best asset we could hope to get, but if you prove to be our enemy, we will prove to be yours."


	3. Chapter 2

Wade Wilson walked up to his house and opened the door. As soon as he crossed the threshold, he heard his phone ring. He picked it up and answered.

"Wade Wilson, Merc With A Mouth Services, how may help you?"

"Hey, man." A guy on the other end answered.

"Oh, Jack! Seriously, every time I hear your voice it reminds me of that guy from Transformers."

"Whatever, dude." Jack Hammer replied. "Whenever I see your face I feel sorry for all your girlfriends who had to see that."

Wade chuckled. "Well, what's goin' on?"

"Okay, so I'm working at Hellhouse right now."

"You mean Sister Margaret's School For Wayward Children?" Deadpool asked. He lowered the phone and whispered to you. "It's a backstory trope. Roll with it."

"Right. So I overheard some guys who look like hitmen talking about some data they stole from you. They were goin' on about how they wanna take down S.H.I.E.L.D. or something."

"Oh boy. I figured selling government secrets might've been a bad idea. Who are these guys?"

"I only caught a glimpse of the guy doing all the talking. He has a beard, like he's got this James Harden thing going, although this man is white."

"Are they regulars?"

"Oh yeah in fact they're still here. You should get over here before they leave."

"Gotcha Jack. Thanks for the heads up." Wade hung up.

Deadpool's shadow stood in the doorway of Sister Margaret's School For Wayward Children. He strolled in, holding a crude drawing based on Jack Hammer's description. "Has anyone seen this man?"

The patrons looked uneasy and confused.

Deadpool put the paper away. "Okay, let's try this. Which one of you is the white guy with a James Harden beard?"

A glass was dropped and crashed on the ground.

"Oh, there you are. Come here." Deadpool spied the guy who looked the most frightened. He did have a beard. He also was hesitating. "Oh, come on. Don't make me count to three."

The guy pushed his two buddies towards Deadpool. "Take him out."

Deadpool unsheathed both swords. "We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way." He looked at you. "I love saying that. It guarantees me a decent action sequence."

The thugs pulled out their guns and cocked them. "Get out," One of them menaced.

Deadpool cowered and dropped his swords. "Oh no! Weapons! This is worse than that time I got my swords stolen and was stuffed in a cage! I know this is the end."

"Yeah, buddy." The bigger thug pulled the trigger on the pistol, and Deadpool fell, writhing in pain.

"Oh! You used the hard bullets!" He cried. "Now I'm a victim of senseless gun violence."

The two thugs stood over him and each shot him once in the head. Deadpool's body went limp. "Let's get outta here." One of them said.

They turned and walked back to the man they were with. He handed them each a couple hundred dollar bills. He also gave the Jack Hammer a wad of cash. "Keep the change." He told him. "Let's go."

Bang! Bang! Two gunshots rang through the air. The thugs froze, a look of shock coming across their faces. Then they crumpled to the ground.

Deadpool was standing, shirt full of bullet holes and gun smoking. He winked at you. "I'm a good guy with a gun."

The bearded man stood alone, trembling with fear and rage.

"So I decided to announce a recall on that S.H.I.E.L.D. data." Deadpool quipped.

"Uh, uh, I can't..."

"C'mon, it'll be easy, especially since I still have some bullets left."

"If I give it to you, will you let me live?" The man asked.

"Maybe."


	4. Chapter 3

"I keep most of my tech in here." The man said. He was trembling less now, as he opened the door of the warehouse.

Deadpool gently poked him with his sword. "And this is where I'm keeping most of this sword until you give me that data."

The man swallowed. "It-it's over here." He pointed at a chip on the desk.

Deadpool picked in up, stuck it in one of the computers and began poring over its contents. "Yep. These are the goods, baby."

A metallic item slammed into Deadpool's head.

Deadpool fell to the ground from the impact. Blood splattered on the concrete floor. "Brass knuckles? Seriously? This is very unlike Stan Lee. I wasn't prepared to run into an OC." He scrambled back up.

The man punched again, this time in his ribcage. Deadpool doubled over and grunted.

"This isn't a fair fight. I should be given a mallet or something." Deadpool ducked out of the way of another blow before kicking his opponent in the head. As the man reeled, Deadpool picked up a chair and smashed it on his head, knocking him out.

"I learned that move from Walker, Texas Ranger too." Deadpool said. "That show is so educational."

Deadpool dumped a pile of hard drives on the desk. "Well, that's everything. You favorite superhero's done it again."

"I'd prefer to call you an antihero." Fury replied.

"Can we meet in the middle and call me a superantivillain-antihero?" Wade asked.

"Eh, sure." Fury answered. He offered his hand. "Agent Wilson, it gives me pleasure to say welcome to the team."

Wade shook Fury's hand. "Oh, believe me, the feeling is mutual. You have an amazing handshake."

"You now have unrestrained access to our training facilities. You still have your S.H.I.E.L.D. smart watch, so I'll let you know when we have a mission for you.

"Oh, I nearly forgot." Fury leaned down and picked up a hefty box of papers. He grunted as he dropped the box on the desk. "This is your contract. Sign this when you get home."

"Tsk tsk." Deadpool clicked his teeth. "Big government and their red tape." He stood up. "I should be able to sign this right here."

He rifled through the pages until he found the one he needed to sign. He stole a pen from Fury's desk, signed the contract, and deftly tucked the pen in his pocket.

"Here you go."

"Wade," Fury said. "Stealing that pen voids your contract."

"Oh." Deadpool gave the pen back to him. "Sorry. I never read terms and conditions."

Deadpool walked out, daydreaming about what he'd buy with the extra mulah. He accidentally bumped into Thor in the hallway.

"Wade! Son of Will!" Thor smiled. "How goes it."

"It goes well, it goes will indeed." Deadpool joked.

Thor laughed. "I must go meet with Fury. Perhaps we shall meet again."

"Perhaps we shall."

Deadpool strolled down the street. He was feeling good. He'd done the right thing. For the right reason. He just got a full time job that pays lots of money. He might even listen to Jack's advice and get that plastic surgery on his face.

Deadpool turned and went into Coldstone Creamery. To this day, no one knows exactly what happened in that store. All we know is that after a couple minutes of patrons and employees screaming, he walked out with two ice cream cones.

"I deserve this today." Deadpool proclaimed. "Today I deserve it."


	5. Postlude

"And that's the story of how I became the hero you all now know and love." Deadpool said.

Suddenly someone started knocking on the door. "This is S.H.I.E.L.D., open up!"

"Oh, that Registration Act thingy. So annoying." Deadpool whined.

The agents busted down the door and rushed into the house, guns drawn. Without even turning, Deadpool pulled out his pistol and fired repeatedly at the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents until they were all dead.

"Excuse me." Deadpool said to you. "I gotta clean my house. It's a wreck."


	6. Post-Credit Scene

The guy Deadpool beat up rose slowly. He was sore, but he really only took two blows to the head.

He took off his fake beard and mask and went outside.

Time for Crossbones to get back to work.


	7. Actually Good & Decent Post-Credit Scene

Deadpool was sitting in his king-size bed made out of gold. He was wearing red Pajamagrams.

"What are you looking at?" He asked you. "Why are you still here? Well, unless you wanted a post-credit scene for Civil War 4. Well, Alexa Ann Douglas is movin' kinda slow, and Novel Books really wanted to push this baby out, before the hype died down." Deadpool paused. "Oh, well I can say this: Deadpool's gonna be in it. Deadpool's gonna be in it. He's gonna be great. You can't wait.

Oh wait, you have to. Never mind. Bye."


End file.
